Saturday, March 17, 2001

It's not that easy.

So, historically, I've written whatever that has bothered me here. I was just thinking about it. I was going to keep my mouth shut and not say a peep about this.

Forget it, I'll say it anyway. I don't give a crap what people think of me.

Few nights ago, I was hanging out in the hot tub with Tom and we were just talking. We were talking about relationships and what not. Tom mentioned that I was turning 21 and am in the prime of my life. Why am I not out there having sex with every 20 year old hottie that exists? The thing that irritates me is that it's as if I'm not trying to meet girls. He makes it sound like it's so easy.

Now here I am. Wondering, what the hell am I doing wrong? Why is it that I have friends just stink of sexuality and me, well, I smell like nothing. I don't understand. I speak to women that I'm interested, everything is perfect, and then boom, outta no where, nothing. No reason, it just ended. So this leads me to believe that I've said something or done something wrong.

What could it be? What could I be doing wrong? I like to think that I'm a fairly attractive guy, I'm smart, I know that I'm funny. What else is it that women are looking for? Is it my deodorant, is it the way I dress, the car I drive? What?! It's gotta be something. With no avail, I am left here, flapping in the wind with no solution.

Tom is right, this is the prime of my life, at no other point in my life will I have the stamina and the drive that I have at this point and yet, I have nothing to show for it.

I just end up sleeping alone in my bed night after night. I'm not bitter or pissed. I usually don't put much emphasis on the topic of sex. However, in recent weeks I've been hearing the experiences of friends, and seeing for myself what kinds of things are happening around me. I am totally curious and preoccupied with the feeling of being sought after.

I want women to desire me the way I've, at times, desired them. So what's the difference between me and some of the people around me? Is it the way they carry themselves? I am confident about myself, my career, and totally content with the life I'm leading. So what the heck is the problem? If anybody out there knows, drop me a line and let me know cause at this point,
I'm just baffled.

I know I don't want a relationship, that's for sure. I just want to date a few women, perhaps let one thing lead to another and one of us spends the night at the other's place. Growing up the way I did, I thought that this whole concept was a mythical oddity. Now, being around people who live this as their lives, I find that it's not at all as mythical as I first thought. Yet, all my efforts are fruitless. I guess I'll never out live the joke term my friends from LA coined me.

The "unsuccessful playa" for life.

-s

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