Monday, June 3, 2002

Time to Catch Up

So it's been a while since I've written a .plan update that was really honest or indepth in terms of how I've been feeling. I think that I lost that connection, the notion that when I wrote about what was on my mind, it would thus make me feel better cause it was out on paper rather than just buzzing around in my mind.

So let's get back into the swing of things, shall we? Well, I do have something to talk about for the first time in a long while, and it's not a happy subject, at least for me.

This past year or so has been incredibly difficult for me.

What were some of the bad things that happened? For one, I saw some of my really good friends get laid off and escorted out of the building like they were thugs. That was probably one of the saddest days of my life. I don't think I'm still over that nor will I ever be fully over it.

Since that fateful day, a lot has changed. I'm now the product manager for Winamp among other things. I have to deal with things, people, and circumstances that I really would rather not.

About a month ago, I was really stressed from work and I did something really stupid. I was careless. I didn't want to deal with something so I took the easy way out and could have got some people in a LOT of trouble.

Fortunately, the end result wasn't as bad as it could have been. Regardless, after I did what I did, I realized the mistake that I had made. I feel like total crap about it because I could have avoided it. But I messed up and I can't take it back. I have probably even damaged the trust of some of my closest friends, and now I will have to learn how to deal with that.

I've also been feeling really stressed out from just work in general. I have a lot of different responsibilities to a lot of people and I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I'm trying really hard to balance all these different things and no matter what I do I feel as though I'm letting somebody down.

Someone from the team told me that I've become too buddy buddy with my boss. I've also had a few people imply that I've become a sell-out - just another corporate cocko.

That really really hurt. It's become really difficult to work the way I would like to. I'm totally busting my ass and doing a LOT of work that I don't always particularly enjoy, and on top of that, my friends think that I've sold out. It makes me wonder why I even bother at all? I'm in a lose lose situation. The more I think about it, the more it's depressing me.

By no means am I trying to kiss-up my way to the top. I could care less where I am in the scheme of things. I'm just trying really hard to do what I think is right for everyone, unfortunately, it appears that I'm not doing a very good job at that and I'm letting down the people I care most about. This feeling totally sucks and I want it to go away.

All I know is that I find myself not very happy at the moment. I've got way too much going on in my life and frankly I'm getting really exhausted. I'm feeling pretty crappy right now. I think I'm just gonna go to bed, maybe I'll feel a little better in the morning.


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